Back in the summer of 2021 I was beginning to feel burnt out and started to hit a wall. I’d been leading on empty for a while and managing the chaotic growth of our organization without making the appropriate changes.

In September of that year, I visited a friend and he walked me through a two-day "life mapping" experience. What I learned was different than what I expected. I got a ton of clarity about my life. I got greater clarity on my calling. But most importantly I learned the core issue causing most of the anxiety and stress around work – the number of open loops I was managing at the same time.

I define an open loop as any problem, decision, task, idea, or conversation that is unresolved.

As you read that definition, right away your mind was probably flooded with a list a mile long of all the open loops currently living in your head.

The problem? It took me about two years to figure out a new set of habits to manage it all. So, this is coming from a personal journey of growth to figure out how to manage all the responsibilities God has given me. Hopefully, if you're experiencing a similar level of overwhelm, this helps you figure things out faster than I did.

So, here are four habits that I’ve adopted to help manage my world. I call this the Full Circle Habit Stack. This week will cover the first habit and we'll explore one habit each week over the next month.

Habit 1: Focus On What You Can Control

I’ve learned that as an Enneagram 1, I’m a bit of a magnet for responsibility. The positive is that I make a lot of stuff happen and generally this willingness to take on the hard thing has allowed me to become a person of influence and leadership. The dark side is that we all have limits and if we’re not realistic about those limits we can back ourselves into corners.

You have to be able to clearly identify what you can control and what you can’t. The truth is, you can’t control much.

• You can’t control how other people respond to your leadership.
• You can’t control how other people show up to their job.
• You can’t control your significant other or your friends.
• And you certainly can’t control your kids.

So what can you control?

You can control your commitments, your attitude, and your effort.

Let your yes, be yes, and your no, be no.

There was a season a few years ago when I really struggled to be consistent in my commitments. I was prone to over-committing. I wanted to do it all – to solve every problem. And in my leadership seat, I could see all the problems. So it was really hard to NOT say yes to everything.

Over time, I began to see myself becoming less and less reliable. Eventually, I was falling into the trap of “over-promise, under-deliver.”

This was most pointed at home. I’d often overcommit at work and tell my wife I’d be home at a certain time. She would ask me what time I was going to be home and I would have an important meeting at the end of the day. I knew that this conversation had a high likelihood of going long. Out of a good desire to please the various people in my life, I would say I’d be home at 5 or 5:15 when I knew that the meeting was scheduled to go to 5 and likely would go long.

When you aren’t clear on your commitments and realistic about your limits, you tend to overestimate what you can get done in any given block of time. If I were being honest and managing my commitments I would have told her, “I can’t commit to a specific time. I have this meeting that I think will go long and I’ll try to be home as close to 5 as possible. But realistically it’s gonna be 5:30.”

Now, that might have been disappointing to her if she had expectations that I’d be home closer to 5 but that disappointment would have been less damaging to our relationship and my integrity than to show up late or have to text her at 5 and say, “so sorry, I’m gonna be late.”

Acknowledging our limits is the first step in focusing on what you can control. So much of our anxiety comes from simply trying to do too much. It pains me to say this as a maximizer who wants to do it all but it's not realistic.

The other way we create anxiety and stress for ourselves is by trying to solve problems or take on responsibility where we lack control or agency to bring change.

Here’s an equation I try to pay attention to: Problems – the agency to solve them = anxiety.

I believe this is one of the acute problems in our modern, information-rich world. We are keenly aware of all the problems in the world via the media and have no ability or agency to solve them. We're just left with the awareness that things are broken and have to sit with those open loops causing us anxiety.

Focus on what you can control and you’ll see a reduction in your overall anxiety. And as a bonus, you’ll protect your integrity. You might not be everybody’s hero, but the people who rely on you the most will see you as incredibly reliable.

Here's something practical you can do this week to process where you might be trying to operate outside your focus.

1. Make a list of the things that are occupying your mind or causing you anxiety. These could be problems you're solving, relationships that are filled with tension, or big things in the world that have you worried.
2. Next, right another list to the right of each item and identify what, if anything, you could do to take action. Be careful here, you have to be able to control the action or solution. It could even be that you realize you have no agency other than to pray about it. That's ok. Just make sure to identify what you can actually control.
3. Finally, set aside time to take any action you can.

If you've done all three steps, you've exercised all the control you have and focused on what you can actually manage.

Well done. This might not solve all your problems but it at least gives you the freedom to let it go if you can't do anything about it.

That's the first habit in the habit stack.

I hope it was helpful. We'll be back next week with Full Circle Habit #2.

Till next Friday,

Craig